In 2004 I wrote the following to Prime Minister Blair requesting knighthood.

Though I am not a citizen of England, I would like to apply for knighthood for this upcoming year. I understand the list of people who have been dubbed Sir or Dame is very accomplished, and that being said, the reasons for my application are as follows:


Children love me. Mothers praise me and often times ask if I will marry their daughters. Every time I dine by myself I sit in the presence of greatness. I hand write all my letters, but can type at a rate of over 70 words per minute. I can dunk a basketball. I’ve saved a goal in a football match, I’ve saved time by using the Express Lane and I’ve saved money by buying in bulk.

I’ve met NBA players, people with MBA's and asked the IRA to put down their guns. I’ve sung on stage, been backstage and have cheered off-stage. I wrote a thesis in college on the Rolling Stones, kept an online journal, and have read a Playboy magazine from cover to cover. I’ve climbed to the top of the Empire State Building, the Eiffel Tower, and Salisbury Cathedral. I’ve been to Windsor Castle while the Queen was holding court.

I count surviving a seizure, sinking two free throws after having my pants taken down on national television, and returning to an upright stance after slipping on ice as personal comeback stories. I’ve bathed in bubbles and have showered in sunlight. I have only seen 74 of the American Film Institute’s Top 100 motion pictures, but have viewed every Monty Python picture; I’ve even met Terry Jones at a medieval conference.

 

I’ve dressed as former Attorney General Janet Reno, former King of Rock N Roll Elvis Presley, and former blockbuster movie star Jaws. I’ve done Christmas in July and Thanksgiving in August (and can explain if necessary). I’ve been to the Vatican, seen Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night, and have eaten McDonald’s in Paris. I am a capitalist.

 

I played three years of high school and four years of college basketball with diabetes. I was stung by a Man-O-War jelly fish on the Fourth of July, and I wear a size 16 shoe (52 European). A car has run over my foot, but I do not walk with a limp.

 

I was voted Mr. Lafayette College by a panel of my peers, and have placed myself on an auction block. I was sold for $170. I have spent the night in a cardboard box and once riding the New York City subway. Often times people can see me singing at the top of my voice while I drive my car. I have worked promotions for a radio station, been a truck driver for Habitat For Humanity, and a janitor in Philadelphia. I am not as good at math as Will Hunting.

 

I was the only person in my 4th grade class to answer the question: ‘What is 9 x 7?’ correctly. I have the integrity to tell you that I guessed the answer was (and still is) 63. I have surfed poorly in both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. I read extensively. I have worked out with Richard Simmons. It was the best $12 I spent in Los Angeles.


Thanks for getting to the end, and hopefully getting to know me a little bit better. Appreciate your time and good luck with your selections